God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
