just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
