Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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