dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Screwed.edu
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
