I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
