I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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