she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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