Your face is a jimmy john
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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