I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
