Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
