Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
