Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
it's great music for shaving your balls
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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