If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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