you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
