Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
