I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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