Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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