is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
