i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
