Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
