he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
