Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
