i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
my liver is dry heaving
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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