Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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