apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
