i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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