Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Randomize
