Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
