you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
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