We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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