got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
