my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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