Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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