i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I understand Curling. That high.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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