I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
