how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
