I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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