Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
