So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
