Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
