I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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