Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
