Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
