The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
