y did u give ur computer a hand job?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
