Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
