You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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