I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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