Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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