I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
