There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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