got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
